Where have I been?

Well it has been awhile since I have posted...time has really gotten away from me. So here is a short and sweet update of what has been going on with The Schafers!

1. We are preparing for Schafer #2's arrival. We found out that we will be welcoming a Baby Girl! She should be here not later than November 24 (thank you gestational diabetes for a week early induction date!)

I am still have dreams the sonographer was wrong and that we will be having another little boy instead. So I have been trying to keep focused on putting together a little girl nursery and not worrying about the anxiety and the dreams.

2. Hunter is taking up a lot of our time as he learns and explores new things. He will be 17 months on the 26th! From his doctors appointment last month he is skinny, short, and has a big head! I LOVE everything about him.

He talks all the time. He calls all the animals Rocky Cat, even though we only have 1 cat named Rocky. He is starting to say the other animals names but for they are all still cats.

3. Hunter had eye surgery for clogged tears ducts and did GREAT! He was such a champ during the whole process and of course he won over every nurses heart! :)

4. Hunter has a wild imagination and I so enjoy watching him learn. He likes to build things and then thrown the on the floor or down the stairs to see them break apart. He also likes to play 52 card pick up! He LOVES to ride on the mower with dad, or any other thing such as a side by side, gator or tractor!

5. Football season is in full swing! The Texas A&M Aggies are off to a great start. Wish I could do to a game in the new  updated stadium, but maybe next year! Kansas State is also doing great and I look forward to seeing them in Big 12 play.

6. We have done some house updating by redoing the upstairs bathrooms and painting (yes painting) all the trim in the house. It has taken a long time and the trim is STILL not done (hard when it's only you working on it). Once it is all done it will look great!

So that is just little bit of what is going on.

Reactions

It is funny the different reactions I have received since telling people I am pregnant again. Oh yes, by the way we are expecting Baby #2 in December :)

Most people have been really excited (or at least acted like it in front of me), others have either voiced their opinions by facial expressions or actually saying what they are thinking. I do understand that everyone has the right to have their own opinion but when you are not in my shoes it is hard for you to understand. So let me explain it to those with the "not so excited' opinions.

1. "Wow, how close are they going to be? Seems really soon to be having another baby"
Hunter and Baby S will be around 20 months apart. Yes, that does seem close for you but not for me. Let me know how you feel when your doctor tells you 6 weeks after giving birth to your first child that if you want more than 1 you should probably not wait. We took her advice and did not wait.

2. "Are you sure this will be good for Hunter. Won't he feel replaced?"
Umm, what? Does your first child feel replaced? Ok, seriously who says stuff like this?

3. "Are you done having kids after this one?"
Well, honestly I can tell you that I say I know the answer to this question but at the same time maybe not. I do feel that this will be the last one for Matt and I. There are several reason for this. Mainly, I do not think, no I KNOW my heart can not handle losing another child. I have lost 2 children in the process of 4 years and I know my heart can not take anymore. Also, I have to think about money and how affording more than 2 will be very tough on our family. I want our 2 kids to be able to enjoy their childhoods and while they do that I want Matt and I to be able to enjoy it also without stressing about money.

4. "Hope you are ready to pay for 2 kids to go through college at the same time."
Well, not at this moment I am not, but I will be. My parents did it so I know it can be done. They weren't millionaires either. This is what parents do.

So needless to say, there has been a mixed bag of reactions but thankfully in my old age I am learning to let go of the ones that are not a benefit for me. Some people just don't have filter's and will say whatever is on their minds. I am so very excited to be able to bring another child into this world. Hunter will be the BEST big brother and I can't wait to watch him grow up with his little brother or sister. And seriously, we make cute kids so why not bring another into this world :)

Branson GetAway

Matt and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary over the weekend in Branson. Even though our anniversary is in April, this was the first chance we had to get away. It was WONDERFUL! We spent countless hours together and no one died, played 3 rounds of golf and no one died, kayaked and no one died! See a trend here :) Anyway, we had a great time and I can't wait to celebrate many many more years with him. He has truly been my rock the last few years and I don't know what I would do without him.

 Our first day of golf. Ready to go bright and early!

 Thousand Hills Golf Resort

 Kayaking! This was so fun. I can't wait to go back and do it again! Lake Taneycomo

 We had dinner on The Landing each night. It was a beautiful view.

 When in Branson, do what the 'white hairs' do, according to Matt. :)

 We had the privilege of golfing at Payne Stewart's Golf Course in Branson. So awesome! (and HARD)

 Beautiful course, very hilly and lots of obstacles.

The tee boxes! Little golf hats that Payne Stewart always wore!

It was a great relaxing vacation. One that I will be happy to do again. So thankful for the last 5 years with Matt and look forward to many more!

April 11, 2009...5 years Ago

April 11, 2009 was one of the best days of my life. I married my best friend. Had I known on that day what the next 5 years would hold I might have ran away...not really! But had I known truly how the man I was looking at would love me everyday the next 5 years I would have said y'all are crazy. But it is true.

The best day!

5 years ago, I married a man that I knew loved me but I really didn't know how much. I married a man that held me more times than he should have during our first year of marriage as I cried about my past and 'what if' moments. He held me and told me he was there, he loved me and that wouldn't change.

"Umm, surprise?"

5 years ago, I married a man that when I hit rock bottom instead of pushing me to 'suck it up' and 'get over it' he crawled down with me and waited until I was ready. When that time came he held out his hand and took that first step with me.

"now that you're in my life, baby, I know exactly who I am"

5 years ago, I married a man that has been on the receiving end of 3 phone calls that no husband ever wants to hear. "Matt, something is wrong you need to come to the hospital now." He took those phone calls as well as any man could, rushed to my side and cried with me. But then, he straighten himself up and he became my rock. He held my hand, let me cry and scream and blame God.

5 years ago, I married a man of faith, but I did not know how much until those 3 phone calls. While I was pushing God away and blaming Him, Matt was down on his knees praying for God's presences in our lives, in my life and for me. He was putting me first and asking God to be with me, to watch over me and to love me. He was fiercely praying for our family like I was unable to do.

Our crazy human...wonder where he gets it!

5 years ago, I married a man who has shown me more love and devotional than I could ever ask for. He is man of his word. I pushed and pushed and pushed in the beginning and he loved, and loved, and loved.

Rivalries keep us together!

5 years ago, Matt Schafer changed my world. He may never know how much I love him (mainly because I don't express it enough). In the last 5 years I have received more joy than I ever thought possible. It might have been a hard 5 years but I would not have wanted this journey to be with anyone else. When I think back on the last 5 years I don't see all the heartache, I see the joy. Matt brings a smile to my face in the darkest moments, he makes me laugh when all I want to do is be angry at him (and that's just makes it worse haha). I can't stay mad at him because after venting I realize that life is not worth it to be mad or he says or does something stupid that makes me forget.

5 years! and a little George Strait to go along :)

5 years ago, had you have told me this is what it would have been like, I would have made the plunge! I am thankful everyday that he chose me to be his wife and to stand by his side forever. I may not be the best wife in the world and some days he deserves way more than I give him, but he will always tell me that I am enough. And for me, that is all I need to hear.


5 years, 4 moves, 2 cats (we already had the dogs), one crazy human and thousands of memories later, I am more in love with him that I ever thought possible. Thank you Matt for the last 5 years and I can't wait to see what the next 5 bring. This journey called life is so much better with you by my side!

11 Months

Yep that is right, Hunter is 11 months! I have less than 26 days now until he turns ONE! I really can not believe where the time has gone. This year has past by in a flash but I can say it has been one of the best years of my life.

So what is the little guy up to?

• Climbing
• Walking EVERYWHERE 
• Going up and down the stairs
• Pointing out things he wants
• Eating like a champ
• Helping out with the dishes
• Helping lay tile in the bathrooms 

I help unload the dishes mom!

No longer a 'bouncer' now a jungle gym!

I don't have any stats on him since we don't go to the doctor until he is a year but he is in 12-18 month clothes although they are a tad big. He probably weighs close to 22-23 lbs (that is a rough estimate) and according to Matt he is about 2 1/2 feet tall (haha)

And so standing on the cart has begun! He HATES sitting in them now.

We are working on more words and pointing out things but he is not that interested in saying anything other than 'dada' and sometimes 'mama'. I am getting ready for a party in a few weeks and hoping the tears don't fall too much :)

Hunter is 10 Months!

Hunter turned 10 months on February 26 and man was it a BIG month for him!

"Check me out ladies!"

• He learned to blow a duck call (made his dad very happy)

• He Learned to Walk

• He started saying "uh oh"
• Feeding himself 'food' or mainly veggies and ravioli
• Learned to wave 'bye bye'
• Got our first haircut!

He went from Harry to Lloyd!  :)

Mom, what is this thing?

Things Hunter Loves

• Bath time (still)
• Juice
• His puppies
• His elephant that shoots balls out of it's nose
• 'talking' REALLY loud

Ok, I will keep in on for you!

Things Hunter Dislikes

• Nap time
• Cleaning his eyes or nose
• The moment after he is put down after being carried

It has been a great month and I look forward to all the news things he will do this month!

Don't Label ME!

I write this blog, not so people feel sorry for me but so that maybe in some way I can help others. It has been on my heart for sometime now to write this and let my heart be known.

Being labeled infertile (definition: not being able to convenience despite having unprotected sex for a year or more-womenshealth.gov) was never a label that I ever thought I would have. It is not something that I want to define me either so I am trying to let it empower me.

You maybe thinking, how are you infertile but have a child? Yes, it is true that I was finally about to have a baby but still I am considered infertile. Hunter has been and will always be a blessing, but the road was a long, windy, hard road to go down. It took over 3 years, 1 loss and lots of medicine to find the end of the road. There were times where I wanted to turn back around and give up but I didn't and thankfully I was able to see the reward but what does it all mean now? Am I fixed? Am I over it?

No, absolutely not and anyone that goes through this journey should be aware that even when you are able to have a child your journey does not end and you don't just 'get over it'. Just because I have a child now does not mean that my heart does not still yearn to have another or that my heart does not still hurt for the 2 babies that I have lost. My heart will always feel this no matter what. My heart hurts for those women that are still going through treatments to have a child or ones that treatment is just not going to work. Fertility drugs worked for me but not immediately, but they did work and that is what I have to hold on to. Now as we head down the road again after another loss we are right back were we started except I now know what to reward is that is waiting at the end of the road. No matter how long, bumpy, windy, hard it is I know the reward and that keeps me heading in that direction.

My heart longs to have another baby but I also have to come to the realization that it might not be in the cards for me. I see women announce pregnancies and my heart hurts. I am jealous of them and want that to be me and then I feel so selfish about it. I have been blessed with one child why should I be greedy when there are others who have not. When I look at Hunter I am reminded of my blessings and the jealousy subsides but the selfishness does not. This feeling has to be ok. I am a woman and I can't just turn off the desire for children. I am happy for those around me that have the ability to easily conceive, that don't have trouble carrying a baby full-term, but I am not ashamed to say that there is a part of me that gets mad, and bitter.

Don't get me wrong though, those feelings do not go to those women but an internal battle with myself. As women that battle infertility and a world that deems your ability as a mother part of your worth we need to hold each other up. We need to be there for each other when times get bad and we want to punch the wall and scream and ask "why me" or "why not me". Instead of seeing labels we need to see our own beauty, are own worth outside of being a mom, and give to this world what we are capable of through our hearts.

If you battle infertility, you are not alone. You should never feel alone, you should never feel like you are worth less than you are because you do not have child. You should know that we are all beautiful and that is the label we need to carry. So if someone is going to label me, I want it to be a label I choose not one that was unfortunately given to me. So I choose...

I AM VALUABLE