Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Don't Label ME!

I write this blog, not so people feel sorry for me but so that maybe in some way I can help others. It has been on my heart for sometime now to write this and let my heart be known.

Being labeled infertile (definition: not being able to convenience despite having unprotected sex for a year or more-womenshealth.gov) was never a label that I ever thought I would have. It is not something that I want to define me either so I am trying to let it empower me.

You maybe thinking, how are you infertile but have a child? Yes, it is true that I was finally about to have a baby but still I am considered infertile. Hunter has been and will always be a blessing, but the road was a long, windy, hard road to go down. It took over 3 years, 1 loss and lots of medicine to find the end of the road. There were times where I wanted to turn back around and give up but I didn't and thankfully I was able to see the reward but what does it all mean now? Am I fixed? Am I over it?

No, absolutely not and anyone that goes through this journey should be aware that even when you are able to have a child your journey does not end and you don't just 'get over it'. Just because I have a child now does not mean that my heart does not still yearn to have another or that my heart does not still hurt for the 2 babies that I have lost. My heart will always feel this no matter what. My heart hurts for those women that are still going through treatments to have a child or ones that treatment is just not going to work. Fertility drugs worked for me but not immediately, but they did work and that is what I have to hold on to. Now as we head down the road again after another loss we are right back were we started except I now know what to reward is that is waiting at the end of the road. No matter how long, bumpy, windy, hard it is I know the reward and that keeps me heading in that direction.

My heart longs to have another baby but I also have to come to the realization that it might not be in the cards for me. I see women announce pregnancies and my heart hurts. I am jealous of them and want that to be me and then I feel so selfish about it. I have been blessed with one child why should I be greedy when there are others who have not. When I look at Hunter I am reminded of my blessings and the jealousy subsides but the selfishness does not. This feeling has to be ok. I am a woman and I can't just turn off the desire for children. I am happy for those around me that have the ability to easily conceive, that don't have trouble carrying a baby full-term, but I am not ashamed to say that there is a part of me that gets mad, and bitter.

Don't get me wrong though, those feelings do not go to those women but an internal battle with myself. As women that battle infertility and a world that deems your ability as a mother part of your worth we need to hold each other up. We need to be there for each other when times get bad and we want to punch the wall and scream and ask "why me" or "why not me". Instead of seeing labels we need to see our own beauty, are own worth outside of being a mom, and give to this world what we are capable of through our hearts.

If you battle infertility, you are not alone. You should never feel alone, you should never feel like you are worth less than you are because you do not have child. You should know that we are all beautiful and that is the label we need to carry. So if someone is going to label me, I want it to be a label I choose not one that was unfortunately given to me. So I choose...