Thursday, December 22, 2011

Join the Movement!

This video/movement is pretty awesome.  Whether you are single or married it is for you.  I know that at this point I am not a Proverbs 31 woman but I can be and I will strive to be that!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Friends are Family

I have had some time to reflect on my life the past few weeks and have realized a few things.
Friends are family and when you find great friends you need to keep them close.  I would say that I was not a good friend in high school or college.  I was unhappy with myself which turned into me being unhappy in life.  I did not engage with people and I did not go out on the weekends with friends in high school and so I felt very alone even though I knew if I just picked up the phone I would have somewhere to go or someone to hang out with.  I was very insecure in high school and now as I look back on things I lost a lot of great friendships.  That is on me and something that I have to work on daily.  I still have insecurities, I still have unhappy days, but I am working on not pushing my friends away.  No matter what the distance is between friends if you pick up the phone it is like they are in the same room.  Because of my past I did not stay close with people once I left an area.  So once I left high school I left behind friends, when I left college I left behind friends and it stinks to look back on what I lost.  If I would have just picked up the phone, or sent an email anything would have been better than nothing.  I think I thought people were always judging me and the mistakes I made but I have realized that true friends are going to be there no matter what.

Last night I hung out with some of my friends here in Kansas.  All these ladies work with me at Kansas State and have been such blessings in this transition back to Kansas.  They are some of my closest friends up here and even though our lives may take us in different directions I know that they will be there always.  I have learned from my past and learned that friends like these are worth keeping!  It is not the quantity of friends that I have it is the quality of friends and these ladies are pure greatness!  So thank you to all of you that have stuck with me this last year and listened to my "poor me" stories and still loved me!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Starting over...

I feel like I have used this cliche so often lately that I have begun to realize that I tend to not finish a lot of the things that I start.  Some of that is out of my control but others truly is me becoming lazy.

I started over with my running because I got lazy.  I stopped going to the gym or I stopped lacing up my shoes, why?  Who knows but mainly I was lazy.

I stopped reading the Bible and stopped praying.  Why?  Because God had given me everything I have asked for and I don't need him anymore???  UMM NO!  I need Him everyday, I just got lazy.  I don't have the firm foundation I need/want to stand on, but that is not because He has not tried it is because I have not tried.

We are starting over in starting a family.  Now this is not my fault but again it is starting over and I have learned from it.  I have learned that through all of it, Matt and I still need to focus on our marriage and what is best for us.  We need to still show each other that the other is the most important in our lives and not get caught up in every thing else.  During this time I got lazy in showing Matt how much he means to me and how much I love him.  Again, I got lazy.

Those are just a few examples of things I am having to start over within the last few weeks.  It helps me to be able to look back and reflect on what I wasn't doing so that I can move forward.

Slowly I am getting my endurance back and I am not being hard on myself that I can't run 6 miles right now much less 3, but we all have to start somewhere.  Today I did NOT want to go to the gym but I did and now I feel much better.  It is baby steps and I have to keep focused.

I have an app on my phone that I look at every day that has a passage or two from the Bible and a little blurb about it.  I know that it is not much but for me it is a start.  I do want to dive in further and strengthen my foundation and trust in God but I have to start small or I will get overwhelmed.  One day at a time.  Praying is a little harder because when I remember to do it I feel bad that I did not do it first thing in the morning or right before bed.  I feel like God is going to see this as an after thought and then I put it off again.  I HAVE to get better at praying and talking to Him because that is so important and I NEED it.  (side note-any advice from fellow friends would be great)

And starting a family and loving Matt is an everyday thing and I know the things I need to do to get there.  Obviously details on the family part are not going to be shared but showing Matt that he is important and that my whole focus is not just to have a baby but to make a life and family with him.  I got so caught up in getting pregnant that I never stepped back to remember the other person in the equation.

So this is where I stand, starting over one day at a time.  Running is still hard, God is still a mystery to me that I can't wait to uncover, and I still miss that little one but each day is a new day.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

9 Weeks

*Disclaimer-I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing it so that I can remember.  It might be weird that I want to remember these feeling but I do.  And well this is my blog so writing my feelings is ok right??

October 31st was one of the best day's of mine and your dad's life.  I found out that you were growing inside me and in a few short months you would be a part of this world.  I could not wait until July to hold you in my arms.  From the moment I found out about you I loved you and so did your dad.  Probably if I was accurate I have loved you way before that day.  We kept you a secret and only told our family and they were overjoyed and trust me they loved you from day one as well.  I thought about you everyday wondering if you would be a little girl or a little boy.  Either way we would have been happy.  It was hard keeping you a secret from our friends because they were all so ready to hear about you.

November 30th became one of the hardest days of our lives when after some complications and a visit to the doctor we found out that you were no longer growing.  Dr. Roles who is awesome and was so happy for us because she has been on this long journey with us, told us the devastating news that you stopped growing around 5 or 6 weeks.  My body was in the beginning stages of letting you go so after hours of waiting we made a choice to have Dr. Roles go ahead and remove you.  It was a very hard decision but we knew it was best.  I was very sad, your dad was very sad and our families were very sad.  You were and still are loved.

Even though you did not make it into this world you made a difference in our lives.  You gave me hope!  Hope that one day I will be a mom and your dad will be a dad.  We are sad that it will not be you but we know that you did what you had to do for us.  You gave our marriage strength and love that we had not shared before.  You helped mend relationships that had been going in the wrong direction, and you instilled faith back into our lives.  For all of these things I am grateful.  Yes I am sad that I will not hold you but I am thankful that you are in Heaven watching over us and that one day you will be there sharing in our joy as we welcome our baby.

I write this to you so that I can remember even though it was a sad, hard time it was also a blessing.  You did things that we could not do ourselves.  May your precious soul rest at the right hand of our Father in Heaven!

I love you, little one.