Tuesday, December 6, 2011

9 Weeks

*Disclaimer-I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing it so that I can remember.  It might be weird that I want to remember these feeling but I do.  And well this is my blog so writing my feelings is ok right??

October 31st was one of the best day's of mine and your dad's life.  I found out that you were growing inside me and in a few short months you would be a part of this world.  I could not wait until July to hold you in my arms.  From the moment I found out about you I loved you and so did your dad.  Probably if I was accurate I have loved you way before that day.  We kept you a secret and only told our family and they were overjoyed and trust me they loved you from day one as well.  I thought about you everyday wondering if you would be a little girl or a little boy.  Either way we would have been happy.  It was hard keeping you a secret from our friends because they were all so ready to hear about you.

November 30th became one of the hardest days of our lives when after some complications and a visit to the doctor we found out that you were no longer growing.  Dr. Roles who is awesome and was so happy for us because she has been on this long journey with us, told us the devastating news that you stopped growing around 5 or 6 weeks.  My body was in the beginning stages of letting you go so after hours of waiting we made a choice to have Dr. Roles go ahead and remove you.  It was a very hard decision but we knew it was best.  I was very sad, your dad was very sad and our families were very sad.  You were and still are loved.

Even though you did not make it into this world you made a difference in our lives.  You gave me hope!  Hope that one day I will be a mom and your dad will be a dad.  We are sad that it will not be you but we know that you did what you had to do for us.  You gave our marriage strength and love that we had not shared before.  You helped mend relationships that had been going in the wrong direction, and you instilled faith back into our lives.  For all of these things I am grateful.  Yes I am sad that I will not hold you but I am thankful that you are in Heaven watching over us and that one day you will be there sharing in our joy as we welcome our baby.

I write this to you so that I can remember even though it was a sad, hard time it was also a blessing.  You did things that we could not do ourselves.  May your precious soul rest at the right hand of our Father in Heaven!

I love you, little one.


Nicole said...

More perfect words could not have been written. A mothers love knows no limits or rules. Your angel in heaven knows. Hugs to you and Matt.

Abigail said...

I am so impressed you shared this. God breaks us down to draw us closer to him. We don't always understand why...but our faith in him gets us through!I pray you have a swift recovery and look forward to sharing in the joy when you become a mother.

Kyle and Marci said...

Rachel, such brave words written perfectly! I will be praying for you and Matt :)

Brandon and Kensie said...

So sorry to hear this, Rachel! We'll be praying for you!