Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Reflections of a Long Journey

*This is long, just an FYI

With a few short days to go until we meet Hunter, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on this journey Matt and I have been on.  When I think back, I never really thought about how I would feel now about becoming a mom.  The thought was always there but never a concrete emotion since it was "not real" yet.

Looking back to when this all began back in 2010 I did not think it would be 3 years later that I would finally be at this point.  I don't think anyone does.  You hear it all the time how easy it is to get pregnant so why would it not be that way for us right?  Well, we were wrong.  We tried, we tried, and we tried some more with no success.  Just stop thinking about it and it will happen, take some time off and it will happen, plan something big and it will happen was all we heard.  How do you stop thinking about it?? We stopped "trying" so to speak by not calculating days but really still knowing when the best time to do the deed would be.  I schedule a half marathon, something big, and it didn't happen.  I actually ran 2 as a matter of fact and still nothing.  The only thing that happened when I scheduled the marathons was that I got hurt, not pregnant!  Just my luck.
Just getting the bump.  Pretty sure this was 20 something weeks!

After being unsuccessful for a year we talked with my doctor.  She did blood work, and come to find out I have some infertility issues.  Well I could have probably figured that out, but at least we had a small answer to our struggles.  So she puts me on medicine.  A few months in, we are pregnant!  Wow, the medicine really worked!  We were so happy that we didn't have to struggle any longer and that in 9 short months we would have our little bundle of joy...not so fast.
Thanksgiving 2012-17 weeks

Only 9 weeks in, we lost the baby.  Looking back it still hurts.  My heart still breaks when I think about it.  When we were putting Hunter's nursery together we put up a cross that a friend of ours sent to us with the date of our loss on it and I sat in the floor and cried.  I held that cross like it was my little baby and I thanked it for being an angel that will now watch over Hunter.  It was bittersweet putting up that cross but it might be my favorite part of the nursery.  Going through a loss is tough and I would not wish that on my worst enemy but what Matt and I learned about each other through that time was priceless.  I saw things in my husband that I have never seen before and it made our love so much stronger.  Is it something I would want to go through again...HELL NO, but did we learn from it, yes and that is what is important.

New Years 2013- 22 weeks
After the loss the doctor said it shouldn't be hard to get pregnant again since your hormones are now working properly.  Well again, not the case for me.  We started on medicine again.  Let me tell you a little about's not so wonderful!  It made me VERY hormonal...obviously because I was not used to have that amount of hormones in my system but I never thought it would be that bad.  There were days when looking back I am shocked that Matt stuck around.  Wow!  He is a great man that is for sure.

We were back on Clomid for about 5 months before tried the IUI.  We cut a lot out of our budget to afford this because it was worth it to us.  3 attempts later we were pregnant!  I was so excited and Matt was still a little weary.  He wanted to be excited but a part of him was still thinking...could we lose this one too?  I had those same thoughts as well but tried REALLY hard not to show it.  When we saw our little one for the first time I have never felt so relieved.  Still it was hard to get excited as we just never know what could happen.

Now, we are just 10 days or less from meeting our little guy.  The journey has been long (and yes I know it could have been longer and for some it is) but in the end when I hold Hunter for the first time it will all be worth it.  There will be days when I still think of the loss we had and the struggle we had to get where we are now, but those days won't hurt as much.  Here we are, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I can't wait for this new chapter to start.

1 comment:

Jill said...

So happy for you!!