Heavenly Father, I know we haven't spoken in a few weeks and for that I am sorry. I know that I should not come to you only when I need you but it seems like that is the habit I have gotten into. I want to come to you daily, for my joys, for my heart break, for nothing at all. I know I should I just don't. But I come to you now on my knees asking for you to help me. I need patience, understanding, compassion, and hope.
I need patience that your timing is in all this and that when you are ready for me to have a baby it will happen. I need patience to understand that it is not all about my wants but about your desires for me. I need patience to understand that people ask because they care not because they want me to hurt more thinking about it. And I need patience with Matt that I stop taking my emotions out on him and that I can be patient with his desires as well.
I need understanding about why. Why can't I get pregnant, why can't it be me? Why is it me that is struggling. Did I do something wrong? Have I not been good enough to deserve a baby? Help me to understand your desires for me and my family.
I need compassion for Matt. I need to learn to not take this out on him and realize he has done nothing wrong. I probably need compassion for myself so that I will stop being so hard on myself but I truly feel this is all my fault for the actions I have done in the past. I need compassion or really a desire to be joyful for others that are pregnant or having babies.
And Lord, I need hope. Hope that I am meant to have a baby, or hope that you have other plans for us. I am lost right now and I really need you. I know that I should be in conversation with you all the time not just when I need something and I am trying...I just need you.