It has been said that you have 3 choices when bad things happen to you, you can let it define you, destroy you or strengthen you. I have just about let your loss destroy me. Your due date was tomorrow. It would have been one of the happiest days of my life. I looked forward to holding you, kissing you and just having you in my arms. July 3 is not going to be the day I thought it would be. Who knows, maybe you would have been early or late but either way you would have been here.
I have let my infertility "define" me. I don't know why I feel like it should be labeled but it is. Each month my heart breaks when I get that negative test. It is hard. I was so close to being a mom and I continue to long for that.
I let the loss of you almost destroy me. Yes, I am heartbroken and there will always be a part of me that longs to hold you. A part that wonders if you would have been a boy or a girl. What color hair you would have or what color eyes. I think about what your laugh would sound like. What sports you would play and what your personality would be like. I think about your fingers and toes and chubby cheeks that I am sure you would have, how I would love to kiss all over them. There are days when your memory brings me to tears or sadness but then sometimes they are tears of joy. I am joyful knowing that you are with our Heavenly Father watching over us. I am hopeful knowing that I am able to get pregnant and that is something you gave me. The hope that it can happen just not sure when. When I hear about others having babies, or being pregnant I hurt. I hurt in a selfish way asking "Why not me" and that is not a good trait to have. I hurt because I miss you so much and I love you more than you may ever know.
Today, I am going to make a change. It is time to start letting you strengthen me. I will never let you go and will never stop thinking about you but I have to move forward. I have to let joy come back in my life and think about my future with kids. I don't know when that will be but I am hopeful that it will happen. I have to find strength in my Faith and stop punishing God for my loss. I am writing this to you so that you know I will always love you. I will not stop thinking about you but it might be less often than normal. I need to heal. I miss you still and always will.
When the time is right, watch over us and the growing brother or sister that we will have. I love you more than you know.