Monday, July 2, 2012

A Letter Of Strength

To my little Angel-

It has been said that you have 3 choices when bad things happen to you, you can let it define you, destroy you or strengthen you.  I have just about let your loss destroy me.  Your due date was tomorrow.  It would have been one of the happiest days of my life.  I looked forward to holding you, kissing you and just having you in my arms.  July 3 is not going to be the day I thought it would be.  Who knows, maybe you would have been early or late but either way you would have been here.

I have let my infertility "define" me.  I don't know why I feel like it should be labeled but it is.  Each month my heart breaks when I get that negative test.  It is hard.  I was so close to being a mom and I continue to long for that.

I let the loss of you almost destroy me.  Yes, I am heartbroken and there will always be a part of me that longs to hold you.  A part that wonders if you would have been a boy or a girl.  What color hair you would have or what color eyes.  I think about what your laugh would sound like.  What sports you would play and what your personality would be like.  I think about your fingers and toes and chubby cheeks that I am sure you would have, how I would love to kiss all over them.  There are days when your memory brings me to tears or sadness but then sometimes they are tears of joy.  I am joyful knowing that you are with our Heavenly Father watching over us.  I am hopeful knowing that I am able to get pregnant and that is something you gave me.  The hope that it can happen just not sure when.  When I hear about others having babies, or being pregnant I hurt.  I hurt in a selfish way asking "Why not me" and that is not a good trait to have.  I hurt because I miss you so much and I love you more than you may ever know.

Today, I am going to make a change.  It is time to start letting you strengthen me.  I will never let you go and will never stop thinking about you but I have to move forward.  I have to let joy come back in my life and think about my future with kids.  I don't know when that will be but I am hopeful that it will happen.  I have to find strength in my Faith and stop punishing God for my loss.  I am writing this to you so that you know I will always love you.  I will not stop thinking about you but it might be less often than normal.  I need to heal. I miss you still and always will.

When the time is right, watch over us and the growing brother or sister that we will have.  I love you more than you know.

Love-your mom.

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