So I have been thinking a lot lately and feel like I need to be REAL with myself. It will be help me grow and to help me move on...at least I hope so.
Matt and I have been working on our relationship with Christ and it has been a struggle at times but also a real blessing. There have been things that have been revealed to me that I knew were there but kept putting further down in my heart because I know it's not good. This blog is for me to just put it out on the line and be vulnerable with myself and with Christ.
Ugh what a horrible emotion. I have a lot of it and it has been creeping up SO much lately.
I am jealous when my friends tell me they are pregnant because I WANT that for myself. I have not stopped to think if God wants that for me right now, just that it is MY want. Needless to say I have opened my eyes to this and have found JOY for my friends that are starting this new journey in their life.
I am jealous of people that "seem" to have SO MUCH! They go on trips all the time to different places, they buy huge houses, the get brand new cars, and seem to not worry one bit about money. I don't stop to look around at all that I HAVE. I have a wonderful life, and have been truly blessed and I need to remember this more and thank God daily for the precious life he has given me.
I know this can be a healthy emotion but not the way I have been having it lately. I get hurt so easily when someone does not thank Matt or I for all the effort we have put into something but they thank others that really don't have anything to do with it.
I hurt when Matt and I see things that are wrong but get told we need to give it a chance and WE need to change when WE are not the ones doing anything. I get hurt when Matt tells me he feels like he has lost his brother because their relationship WILL never be the same because there is such a rift with them and things have CHANGED so much. It hurts me and I take that out on ones around us because they think it is Matt's problem and that he needs to grow up. I have and will continue to pray for my feelings towards this because I know that it won't change over night.
I hurt when I don't think my friends value our friendship and toss it away like old trash. I get hurt when I plan something and people don't come. I think it means they don't like me or want to hang out with me. Maybe if I was a happier person, maybe if I was cooler people would like me. Seriously what kind of emotion is that!
I guess my hurt ends up being resentment and that is the bad emotion. I don't like where things are going right now, but I don't know how to change them. I have tried to give it a chance and have tried to give the benefit of the doubt but I can't be the only one giving while everyone else is taking. Or can I? Can God give me the strength to keep putting on a smile and telling people that I think its great when deep down I am hurting.
I get angry at God when things don't go my way. How SELFISH! I am not on this earth for me but for Him. I am trying but I have to be real with myself and with others. My hurt turns into anger and I take it out on everyone around me.
I am sure that if anyone reads this it might make people mad but I have to put it out there for me. I need to be real and if I hurt people feelings I am sorry but I can't hide anymore. I need God, I need His help, but He can't help me unless I am honest with myself. I had to put it down on paper to start moving forward. I pray everyday that God will heal my hurts, that he will soften my heart, to change my emotions to be a benefit to others not a burden. I pray that I will see the best in people and not the worst, and I pray that I can help Matt close the gap that has formed between him and his brother.
I have put it out there for the world to see...